Life has this nasty habit of changing in an instant without a single warning. But I think I got this in the bag. I was reading through my friends journal, and she made a comment about how exactly one year ago, her life was in a totally different place.

And it made me think [[not that i hadn't already been thinking about this;; it just reiterate the thought in my head]]. I wonder if i'm really in as healthy of a place as she is. And I think the truth is. I'm not. But don't get me wrong, i'm getting there. My life one year ago had just been turned upside and shaken by the ankle... and i'm now just getting everything back together. Sure, i have little idea where exactly it is that my life is headed, but i dont think i ever really knew that, so i'm ok with it. All i know is that i'm never going to be taken by surprise like that again. I've realized that i've changed, and grown so much in the last year, that its all too precious to ever repeat that mistake again. Nothing that i had before was nearly as important as everything that i have built for my self. I'm slightly ok with the fact that i'm anti-relationship - i have so much more to worry about. When i was younger, all i wanted was for someone to love me, for someone to hold me, to feel like i belonged to someone or something. But this whole time, i've belonged to my self, and i'm learning to love me. So i'm ok with it all.

On a happier note, i've tried writing again. Ok well maybe this isn't so happy, but its getting there too. Sure, what i wrote was utterly stupid, but it was nothing more than an exercise to get my creative juices flowing. its just hard to find somthing happy to write about when all you've ever known was pain, heartbreak and lies. I'm trying that sunny day with out the rain type thing, and it just doesn't feel like me. but i'm past all that hurtful writing about cutting and depression and crying. so who knows. I'll get there some day right? I hope so, thats what i'm counting on

I dont want to lose that part of my self, it really was a beautiful place to be. I remember how words use to swirl around in my head, forming things i had no control over. beautiful versus in my head would make me almost dizzy with emotion. I miss it. So i bought a note book, and a pen...and I'm trying it out again.

As for photography i know i keep saying this, but i really do have like a million pictures to edit and post. its just that i have to use an online editor... and it makes my computer run really really slow, so i lost interest in editing them and dread having to go back to it. i remember when editing pictures was like...fun. now because of this program, it feels like a chore. well that and it really doesn't have too many features to it...just saturation hue contrast brighten blur edges...that type of stuff. i miss my old program. but oh well....


newayz...theres an update on my life...


well sorta...i forgot to mention that last saturday [[SEPTEMBER 12]] was my birthday... yey for being 20